Blessing From Heaven

This past week has been really hard on me. One of those weeks in which you feel like you are just spinning your tires. I have felt like I have been seriously behind at work, with the big Homecoming week approaching and I am in charge of six events along with my normal teaching.

On top of it all, I have had a sense of Mommy Guilt. I get it every now and then, especially for the past 5 months. I worry a lot about Blake. I have guilt because this wasn't the life I originally planned for him. Although it was not my choice, I still have to watch his life change into one parent households. I have to answer him every time he asks where daddy is. I have guilt about what his future might hold because of the life I am providing him. I have guilt about doing enough for him and teaching him enough. I guess sometimes I just worry about raising Blake in this crazy world we live. All I want is for him to  look at me one day and see all that I am doing for us. I hope he knows that I want nothing more than to be a good role model for him. I hope I get to see him grow up to be a wonderful young man who does amazing things.

 Earlier in the week my mom told me that during times of anxiety I should step back and look at Blake. I didn't really know what she meant by that, but she explained that he is my gift from Heavenly Father and he is still so young that sometimes he might be trying to tell me something that is an answer to a prayer. I just said, ok.

 I didn't actually realize what that mean until I was having a major moment of anxiety last night as I lay in bed alone. My mind was just determined to think of all my worries and failures and I just cried. How pitiful right? Well about 5 minutes into me crying and feeling totally awful I heard Blake's door open. He NEVER wakes up at 9!!!! I quickly wiped my tears and said hey to him. He simply said hey back and climbed in bed beside me and fell back asleep. I thought of what my mom said and I figured this meant that I needed to just stop and be thankful for what I have....the gift laying right beside me. I stopped crying, tried to, and laid down to go to sleep with Blake. As I watched him sleep I tried to think of the good things I do as a mom. I remembered how Blake is so smart and just learned his ABC's.  I remembered how Blake is so happy and all of the things he loves playing. I remembered how social he is and how he loves being around people. I figured I had to be doing something right!

Just as I was about to close my eyes and go to sleep, I kissed Blake's cheek and I whispered "I love you, buddy". Although he was asleep with his eyes closed and everything, he whispered back, "I love you, Mommy". That was it. A simple answer to my prayers that I needed to hear. Sometimes a quiet moment like that is all you need to wash away some of that mommy guilt. As long as we have love then I guess everything else will be ok. He is my world and I know he won't always be cuddling in bed with me, so last night was a moment I treasured.

Although our lives are still changing and adjusting I know it will all be ok....